Seasonal Snark

I'm not a super huge fan of the winter season and even less a fan of the Christmas part, but that's another story. See, not only do I have a bit of an issue with seasonal depression, part of my glorious need to hibernate and hate everything is a substantial level of snark. I don't really like who I am in the winter months because of this, because, while some of it is funny to those with a more crass sense of humor, when it finally does escape the depraved depths of my internal monologue, I just can't take it back. I like being nice, I like being uplifting, encouraging, positive. I like making people smile with positive joy rather than degrading sarcasm.

That being said, I can't always suppress this nonsense. I recently realized that the fantastic mix of exercise and suppression might not be the best way to deal with my anxiety issues, because a simple meditation that focused on running anxiety and dispelling it left me with the most vicious sickness I've had in years. So here is a quick run down of a few of the things that really make me snark hard. If you can identify with any of them let me know, if you are one of them, I'm sorry, but really, I'm human. Sometimes, stuff just pisses me off. 

Yep. This about sums it up.

I hate foursquare and getglue. If you don't know what those are, God bless. These are the two most annoying social networking things ever. Foursquare is a glorious way to say, "I'm here, it would be super cool if you stalked me, because then I would totes have something else to tweet about! Like Oh Em Gee." No one cares where you are. If they did, they would have called and asked to hang out. Or you would have called them to hang out. To me it just screams "I'm lonely and slightly pretentious. I want everyone to know where I'm at, and it would be super amazing if you came to hang out. Because I'm alone. And cold. And alone. Drinking. By. Myself." Having had a stalker or two, announcing in a public forum where you are is the DUMBEST THING EVER. (This is also why I hate Edward Cullen. Also, a different story.) GetGlue tells people what you are watching. It's like foursquare for your couch from what I have seen. "I'm watching 'Your Mom' with 345,876 others via @getglue." This is especially annoying when you see someone tweet or facebook this announcement every 30 minutes to an hour. All I can think is, "I love tv as much as the next guy, but no one cares what you are watching, unless they are watching it too. In which case if you were friends you would text them, call them, tweet AT THEM, or facebook them, to talk about it." Announcing what you are watching is like saying "I'm awesome, but only on my couch, because I watch this show that you've probably never heard of, or this other show that is so old it's cool again." Seriously, I would fantasize about gluing your face to your television IF IT WASN'T ALREADY THERE!

Social networking updates about how terrible you feel while simultaneously announcing your disgustingly poor health choices make me want to throat punch you. Example: OMG I feel so horrible, bleh! Can't move, body aches, FML. BUT I'M GUNNA MAKE BACON STUFFED PANCAKES AND TOP IT WITH SO MUCH FRIED EGG AND SYRUP AND SAUSAGE AND CHASE IT WITH A MILKSHAKE! Guess what, if your diet is primarily comprised of low quality processed, fatty meats, sugary, bready carbs, and a massive amount of milk, egg and other processed animal products, and exercise is the last thing on your to-do list, NEWSFLASH: You are going to feel like utter shit. I won't judge you if these things are done in moderation, but when I see this status update (or something similar) every other day, know that I've nearly bitten a hole in my tongue and broken my fingers to keep from responding to you and telling you it's your own damn fault, shut up and do something about your miserable existence. Go for a walk, eat a vegetable, a banana, SOMETHING that isn't meat or bread or a derivative there of. Yes, I can be judgmental. Yes, sometimes I'm guilty of chocolate and wine gluttony, and Lord knows I love anything with the suffix 'cake,' but I am also a huge fan of working out, eating healthy, and personal accountability. If you are bitching about your misery for sympathy and commiseration, I will NOT indulge your pity party. In fact, I will gladly crash that shit like "that guy" that gets too drunk at a quiet wine tasting and starts swinging from the rafters singing Lady fucking GaGa. 

Please for the love of God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Krishna, and all that is holy - STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR FEET! That is absolutely D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G! I don't care about your pedicure, I don't care that you are "enjoying a day at the beach! OMG feet in the sand! YAY!" I have homicidal urges that involve your feet. And while I AM a control freak, there are some things that I just can't keep in check after prolonged exposure. Seriously, I loathe your feet. I loath my feet. If they weren't necessary for walking, running, and yoga, I would beg to have them amputated. I. HATE. FEET. Every time you post a picture, I dry heave, every time you post an up close photo, I vomit a little in my mouth. This has officially passed schadenfreude humor and has now crossed over into "I want to cut your fucking toes off and gouge your eyes out with them."

EDIT: Duck lips. I hate it when EVERY PHOTO EVER of someone is them trying to look sensual and pouty and seductive like Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. You don't. You look ridiculous. You look like you are trying to hard to convey some sort of smoldering attitude that could possibly come through if you actually had an expression other than "look at my pouty lips! Don't they make you want me?" No they don't. They make me want to punch you in the mouth. I don't because I'm afraid it would further your cause.What with the big fat lip you'd get and all. Stop it. Smile like a normal person, or make a mean face, or a goofy face, or cross your eyes. SOME EXPRESSION! Otherwise I'm going to confuse you with a robotic duck and comment "Quack" in binary on every one of your photos ever.

I'm sure there's more. I might even add to this later, or post an entire new post, not sure yet. For right now though, this is the dumb shit that pisses me off.