Just Something

This past weekend I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this grown up balance thing. I managed to tidy up the house, mop the floors, do all of the laundry and the grocery shopping (bonus points for only spending $75 on fantastic vegetarian fair filled with fresh fruits and veggies). I also managed to go to a 90 minute yoga class, and an hour (maybe closer to two hour) long bike ride with my mom. And to top it all off, I also snuck in a two hour nap.

I didn't get much writing done, but either way I still managed to accomplish a great many things that made me feel productive. And it was great to spend some time on a two wheel adventure with my mom.

I have a tendency to throw myself into things. I immerse myself completely because I feel that's the only way I can truly understand everything with my short attention span, but then I think I fail to learn the lesson of endurance. Maybe now it's time that I immerse myself in finding balance in places other than my yoga mat.

I haven't been consistent in my yoga practice for about a month now. I'm still going, but maybe once a week instead of 3-5 times a week. Believe it or not, aside from the guilt of not going (which I can't quite explain), I think it's good. When I do go back I'm more prone to focus on the foundation of the postures rather than immediate advancement. It's like reading a book in the process of being written and editing the first few chapters.

Sometimes you have to go back to go forward. I've been resisting going anywhere lately, as is usually the case with my winter blues and january funk, but things are starting to move forward again, in many different directions. Which terrifies me, because I'm an all in person, but exhilarates me because I love nothing more than a new challenge in life.

Working Through the Rage

"There's no reason for you to feel that way."
"Get over it."
"Why? It's no big deal."

These are responses to declarative emotional statements. You can probably guess the emotions they are in response to. If not, let me help:

"I'm depressed." - "There's no reason for you to feel that way."
"I'm angry." - "Get over it."
"I'm hurt by your actions." - "Why? It's no big deal."

Seemingly normal conversation. Right? These are common responses to negative emotions every day. But we dismiss them, we belittle them. We have no "reason" to feel angry, depressed, or hurt, so we deflect when people make these statements. We roll our eyes, lamenting that someone is over reacting, telling them there are other things to worry about that are bigger, more important, more urgent.

Translation: You're problems are insignificant. You are being selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Imagine if you heard these responses to positive statements. Imagine being the person sharing your vulnerability with another person, then being invalidated.

"I am happy." - "There's no reason for you to feel that way."
"I love you." - "Get over it."
"I am thankful for you." - "Why? It's no big deal."

I posted a blog recently that aired a few of my online grievances in a snarky and somewhat tongue-in-cheek manner. These are things that agitate me the same way whiny children annoy their parents, siblings in the back seats of cars on long road trips poke at each other, spouses who have had too much time off together get on each others last good nerve. I shared these feelings because they are such small annoyances that I don't normally notice them, or I can at least over look them, but when a perfect storm of emotional discomfort, anxiety, depression, and frustration swirl into a hurricane of angst. Sometimes you just have to vent.

I don't like doing it, but sometimes I feel like if I don't I will explode. It's just how I work. I'm a firm believer that if you're angry at something, BE angry at it. If you're frustrated, BE frustrated. If you have to tell the world about it. TELL THE WORLD ABOUT IT. I've spent too long now just trying to tell myself I shouldn't feel negative emotions. I was over reacting, I was being unreasonable, disagreeable, and BITCHY.  I should be accepting of other people's choices and what they want to do, and how they want to live, and so what if all of their bullshit encroaches on my personal borders. I should just get over it and be happy because that's what other people do.

I'm done. I'm done being the one that everyone spews their negativity on like I'm some sort of emotional doormat. I'm done being the one that just puts my feelings aside so that everyone else can feel comfortable. I'm done listening to people when they say there is no reason for me to be anxious, there's no reason for me to be depressed, there's no reason for me to dislike Christmas, pictures of feet, my birthday, or peas. There is a reason. The reason is that I JUST. DON'T. Just like you might not like brussel sprouts, pictures of my dogs, or Valentine's day. I'm not telling you you're wrong, I'm not belittling your preferences. I might try and understand why you feel that way, but I'm not going to tell you there's no reason not to like Valentine's day.

And honestly, I don't care if you constantly update getglue, foursquare, photos of your feet, or self taken photos of you in the bathroom with your best snooki face. I do care that one day I might remove you from my friends lists on my various social networks when I can no longer tolerate constant spam updates about who is at which bar and what they are watching because they are polluting the other friendships I am trying to cultivate in these same arenas. It doesn't mean we're not friends, just that I want my electronic interactions with you to be more than push updates from your online activities.

I want to hear your opinions, what you are thinking about, what you are doing. I don't want you to litter our friendship with the electronic equivalent of junk mail. I want to see photos of you doing stuff with your friends and your family. I want to see you enjoying life, not just photos of your feet or you in your bathroom mirror.

And I swear the next person that tells me that I shouldn't feel a certain way, or that the key to being happy is finding religion, I will vehemently pray every day, to every deity, that you stub your toe and bang your shin on every step and table you encounter. If that doesn't work I'll gladly intervene and step on your toe and kick you in the shin.

Seasonal Snark

I'm not a super huge fan of the winter season and even less a fan of the Christmas part, but that's another story. See, not only do I have a bit of an issue with seasonal depression, part of my glorious need to hibernate and hate everything is a substantial level of snark. I don't really like who I am in the winter months because of this, because, while some of it is funny to those with a more crass sense of humor, when it finally does escape the depraved depths of my internal monologue, I just can't take it back. I like being nice, I like being uplifting, encouraging, positive. I like making people smile with positive joy rather than degrading sarcasm.

That being said, I can't always suppress this nonsense. I recently realized that the fantastic mix of exercise and suppression might not be the best way to deal with my anxiety issues, because a simple meditation that focused on running anxiety and dispelling it left me with the most vicious sickness I've had in years. So here is a quick run down of a few of the things that really make me snark hard. If you can identify with any of them let me know, if you are one of them, I'm sorry, but really, I'm human. Sometimes, stuff just pisses me off. 

Yep. This about sums it up.

I hate foursquare and getglue. If you don't know what those are, God bless. These are the two most annoying social networking things ever. Foursquare is a glorious way to say, "I'm here, it would be super cool if you stalked me, because then I would totes have something else to tweet about! Like Oh Em Gee." No one cares where you are. If they did, they would have called and asked to hang out. Or you would have called them to hang out. To me it just screams "I'm lonely and slightly pretentious. I want everyone to know where I'm at, and it would be super amazing if you came to hang out. Because I'm alone. And cold. And alone. Drinking. By. Myself." Having had a stalker or two, announcing in a public forum where you are is the DUMBEST THING EVER. (This is also why I hate Edward Cullen. Also, a different story.) GetGlue tells people what you are watching. It's like foursquare for your couch from what I have seen. "I'm watching 'Your Mom' with 345,876 others via @getglue." This is especially annoying when you see someone tweet or facebook this announcement every 30 minutes to an hour. All I can think is, "I love tv as much as the next guy, but no one cares what you are watching, unless they are watching it too. In which case if you were friends you would text them, call them, tweet AT THEM, or facebook them, to talk about it." Announcing what you are watching is like saying "I'm awesome, but only on my couch, because I watch this show that you've probably never heard of, or this other show that is so old it's cool again." Seriously, I would fantasize about gluing your face to your television IF IT WASN'T ALREADY THERE!

Social networking updates about how terrible you feel while simultaneously announcing your disgustingly poor health choices make me want to throat punch you. Example: OMG I feel so horrible, bleh! Can't move, body aches, FML. BUT I'M GUNNA MAKE BACON STUFFED PANCAKES AND TOP IT WITH SO MUCH FRIED EGG AND SYRUP AND SAUSAGE AND CHASE IT WITH A MILKSHAKE! Guess what, if your diet is primarily comprised of low quality processed, fatty meats, sugary, bready carbs, and a massive amount of milk, egg and other processed animal products, and exercise is the last thing on your to-do list, NEWSFLASH: You are going to feel like utter shit. I won't judge you if these things are done in moderation, but when I see this status update (or something similar) every other day, know that I've nearly bitten a hole in my tongue and broken my fingers to keep from responding to you and telling you it's your own damn fault, shut up and do something about your miserable existence. Go for a walk, eat a vegetable, a banana, SOMETHING that isn't meat or bread or a derivative there of. Yes, I can be judgmental. Yes, sometimes I'm guilty of chocolate and wine gluttony, and Lord knows I love anything with the suffix 'cake,' but I am also a huge fan of working out, eating healthy, and personal accountability. If you are bitching about your misery for sympathy and commiseration, I will NOT indulge your pity party. In fact, I will gladly crash that shit like "that guy" that gets too drunk at a quiet wine tasting and starts swinging from the rafters singing Lady fucking GaGa. 

Please for the love of God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Krishna, and all that is holy - STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR FEET! That is absolutely D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G! I don't care about your pedicure, I don't care that you are "enjoying a day at the beach! OMG feet in the sand! YAY!" I have homicidal urges that involve your feet. And while I AM a control freak, there are some things that I just can't keep in check after prolonged exposure. Seriously, I loathe your feet. I loath my feet. If they weren't necessary for walking, running, and yoga, I would beg to have them amputated. I. HATE. FEET. Every time you post a picture, I dry heave, every time you post an up close photo, I vomit a little in my mouth. This has officially passed schadenfreude humor and has now crossed over into "I want to cut your fucking toes off and gouge your eyes out with them."

EDIT: Duck lips. I hate it when EVERY PHOTO EVER of someone is them trying to look sensual and pouty and seductive like Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. You don't. You look ridiculous. You look like you are trying to hard to convey some sort of smoldering attitude that could possibly come through if you actually had an expression other than "look at my pouty lips! Don't they make you want me?" No they don't. They make me want to punch you in the mouth. I don't because I'm afraid it would further your cause.What with the big fat lip you'd get and all. Stop it. Smile like a normal person, or make a mean face, or a goofy face, or cross your eyes. SOME EXPRESSION! Otherwise I'm going to confuse you with a robotic duck and comment "Quack" in binary on every one of your photos ever.

I'm sure there's more. I might even add to this later, or post an entire new post, not sure yet. For right now though, this is the dumb shit that pisses me off. 

Traffic and Life

This morning as I was pulling out of my neighborhood to go to work, I was waiting at the intersection to turn left. The main road is 6 lanes and while it's usually not too difficult to turn left, traffic was a little heavier than normal - and I had been sitting at the stop sign for about a minute and a half. I look up in the rear view and there's nothing there, I look right to see how traffic is coming and when I turn to look to my left there is a giant white SUV with ridiculous spinner rims next to me. ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. He had to have been speeding down the very residential road where the speed limit is 25, because I didn't see him in the 4 seconds it took for me to look from my rear view mirror to the right and then to the left.

This jackass pulled up to my left, to stick his big, fat, stupid SUV out into the middle of the lane so he could turn right onto the road I was waiting to turn left on. God forbid anyone want to turn into our neighborhood, the would have crashed right into him. Meanwhile, he almost took off the front end of my car when he decided to turn right.

Dear dude in the busted ass blazer with the ridiculous wheels: I know it's not a very nice thing to say, but I hope your rims get stolen and someone slashes your tires. You're an asshole. I could have turned left at the same time you decided to turn right, but NOOOOOO you had to be a self entitled, impatient wanker. I almost wish you would have taken the front end of my car out. Insurance certainly would have totaled my car considering it would have been the third accident it's been in. I also would have had the opportunity to call you a fucking idiot to your face. 

Eventually, I turn left and am on my way to work, reminding myself it's not nice to wish ill will on people just because they are in a hurry. Maybe he was late for a really important meeting, with a judge, to go to court, for being an idiot...no no no, maybe he was running late for a job interview. Those are hard to come by. Then I catch every single light. I'm blaming the guy in the SUV instead of myself for leaving 3 minutes later than usual. Whatever, he's a jerk. 

Finally, I'm in the home stretch before the highway, there's one light left between me and the road my office is on. I'm in the right hand lane of the 4 lane road because I'm not going that fast and I know a lot of people on this stretch turn left and so I'll spend 2 miles slamming on my breaks because people can't figure out what a turning lane is. This guy (another guy in a giant SUV) seems to think those painted things on the road are COMPLETELY arbitrary.You know the ones-I think they call them LINES. I couldn't tell if he was indecisive as to which lane he wanted to be in, or if he was just a jerk that thought he could take up the entire road because he had the biggest car on the road. As I sped up to try and get past him, he swerved right into my lane, nearly taking off my front end. Twice in 10 minutes, it's a good thing I was almost to work. I didn't want the third time to be the charm. I hit my brakes and honked my horn. Not politely. I slammed my horn down for a solid 3 seconds. Mostly because this guy had been doing this for the last mile. He meandered, yes MEANDERED, back into his lane. I sped up to try and pass him again, I managed to just inch by him, and as I looked in my mirror to change lanes - he was back in the middle of the road! 

It's funny, I want to think that this was just a bad traffic day, but it's not. Today was worse than most days, but it's like this every day. I am beginning to believe it is a metaphor for life. Many people have no respect for personal boundaries. They go speeding through life paying no attention to the damage they have or could cause to others, there is little to no respect for themselves. They use more than they need, unapologetically. They demand that you move for them, cater to them, and then flick you off when you honk your horn in protest to their intrusive behavior. 

Put the brakes on your life. Slow down. Be considerate. And if you think you're not one of those people, hop on a bicycle and head out into traffic. Make sure you wear protective gear. 

To Be Thankful

Despite the fact that thanksgiving sort of represents the genocide of an entire indigenous people, it's my favorite holiday. Not because of the food, not because of football, not because of pilgrims and native americans. But because it is the one holiday we celebrate that is ultimately about breaking bread with those you love and giving thanks for this life's blessings. Pumpkin pie helps with the giving of the gratitude, but at the end of the day, it's really about spending a day with family and/or friends without the pressure of consumerism. It's a day about tradition, family, friends, love, and THANKS.

I hear too much of people complaining that they don't have the newest iphone, a newer car, a cleaner house, a higher paying job. It makes me crazy, but I'm thankful for them.

Without those that lament what they don't have, I may not think to appreciate what I do have.

This year I have SO much to be thankful for.

My mom has a second lease on life.
All of my other parents are in good health (knock on wood)
My husband is healthy and loves me.
My siblings are thriving, even amidst the occasional left-field curve ball that life throws at them.
My friends are AWESOME.
I'm getting better at making and keeping friends.
My social anxiety is starting to give me a reprieve.
The Well Written Woman is doing well. I get warm fuzzies every time someone is excited that we publish their work. To me that is a better gift than any money. Knowing someone can check off a publishing goal because of Lauren, I and our site gives me a big freakin' happy.
I am thankful for yoga, and Hot House, and the community that thrives there. I've learned so much about myself, I've made so many amazing (hopefully life long) friends.
I've finally acknowledged that just because you occasionally create something that isn't your best, it's not a sign you should stop creating, just a sign that you should practice more.
I've learned that a smile can make someone's day. I knew this, but it was something completely different to have it brought to your attention first hand. When you sit down next to a person on a bench and offer a smile in acknowledgement of their presence, not only do they feel noticed, they feel they have been positively recognized. "Thank you for smiling at me when you sat down. Most people just turn their nose up and ignore me." - the man on the bench.
I'm thankful for chocolate peanut-butter milkshakes and days spent people watching.
I'm thankful for so many of my friends who have experienced parenthood or will be experiencing parenthood this year.
I'm thankful for pets. I have amazing pets, nothing says "Unconditional love" like a dog who loves you more than he loves himself. I'm positive it's no coincidence that "Dog" is "God" spelled backwards.
I'm thankful for work.
I'm thankful for my home.
I'm thankful my husband has work.
I'm thankful that I know so many amazing people that are working to help others.

Even though I've never been a big fan of the holiday season, I'm always a fan of giving thanks.

I wish all of you a joyful and slightly gluttonous thanksgiving. Don't forget to take a moment to be thankful for the things that really matter in this life.